In 1981 friends of mine began to die – a lot of friends. I was leading seminars with titles like Be Here Now in those years and working on projects like The Hunger Project. And -- it was the Aids crisis. Folks I had studied with, worked with on projects for abused children with, laughed with, listened to the music of the musicians among them, knew their histories, their pals and recognized their laughter --began to die. Hospice wasn’t known yet and was in its early stages. Many families didn’t wish to associate with their gay children, so their dying days became the communities task. We had to learn and learn fast how to set up ‘teams’, learn the names of drugs, deal with the pain our friends were suffering, and provide services when the death did come.
I learned early on that death was inevitable and often frightening and frankly awful. I read whatever I could find that might help me know ‘what to do’ when death arrived. And those books were few and far between even tho’ I had attended graduate school and had a cursory knowledge of what the church said I ‘should’ do.
I was looking at my books yesterday and over the years I have collected and mostly read a vast number of books about death and dying. Some “good” and some “preachy”. The book that I just read is called Grief: A Dark Sacred Time by Dr. Darrelyn Gunzburg. For one thing—actually the main thing I appreciate is that her writing acknowledges the grief…it’s the title! These days many of our cultures run the other way as though death is a concept that if we don’t talk about it—maybe it will go away. It won’t. We call the services for people celebrations of life and altho’ that is where we want to be – we want to celebrate that life we knew – and should -- I am very sure that there is grieving that also wants its due and indeed that is part of the deal. We will miss them (mostly) and it hurts and our lives change – we are altered forever when we have lived with that friend, or relative, child or neighbor. And we grieve even if we think we will be better off not showing that pain—stiff upper lip and all that. Don’t make anyone uncomfortable seems to be a rule we made up somewhere along the line.
Dr. Gunzburg is a storyteller, a playwright, a professor, and so much more. She has dogs and cats and a loving partner. She has studied Grief and she has a grand sense of humor that deepens that rigorous attention to how to be and be good with the family, the children, the dying person. At one point in her life, she interviewed countless people who over time had either been with death in their own lives. Death and loss itself. She knows how to use lines from plays and movies and makes grand use of the stories from long ago—the Greek myths for example. In this book, she focuses throughout the book on the story of Proteus and Menelaus. Proteus lies down with the seals and Menelaus has to do the same in order to release his ship from the grip of the sea and he and his men can return home. I won’t tell the story here because I want you to read this book.
It is not a ‘how to’ book…but it is rich in story and captivating and frankly made me cry in various places. Her ability to relay a story – a true story—of the death of someone’s mate is poignant and rich. I was transported to when my parent or my friend or someone in my little town died. The way the family reacted, the immobilizing sadness and fear all of which also offers “an acute sense of existence”. I looked over at my best friend and spouse and experienced that moment that hasn’t happened when one of us will die ~ and soon after I was propelled into that space of living life now—the preciousness becoming real and available.
This book brings me to my knees and I am impacted such that I am a better person and better at being with the dying and much better at living my own life to the fullest.
Thank you Darrelyn Gunzberg. This is one of the best ever written and “I don’t say that to all the girls”.
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- Reviewed in the United States on September 4, 2019
