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CHAPTER 1

GETTING TOTALLY OKAY WITH WHO YOU ARE

"Life is a journey and it's about growing and changing and coming to terms with who and what you are and loving who and what you are."

- Kelly McGillis

For most of my life, I have judged myself as "less than" because I was single and perceived myself to have the most difficult time in dating and relationships. I would look at others and see how they navigated dating and relationships with such ease; I knew that there was something wrong with me.

Because I thought that there was something wrong with me, that was what I manifested. I alternately manifested long periods of being single, and the most emotionally unavailable men. When I did come across emotionally available men, I didn't know what to do with them. It was as if someone had asked me to build a nuclear missile. I was clueless.

I can likely trace my lifelong pattern of not accepting myself to a very early age, primarily to being gay and struggling with my sexual orientation. I knew I was different, almost from the word "go." I grew up in an era where being gay was barely out of the American Psychiatric Association Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. Being gay was something only effeminate men were.

I felt different from my same-aged peers but could not put into words what that difference was. Starting in the sixth grade, I endured years of bullying. I was not a very masculine boy, nor interested in what the other boys were interested in (and to this day, I still hate sports). My nose was always in a novel or comic book to escape the reality of my life. My religious upbringing did little to help me through my feelings of insecurity, as I felt that I was doomed to hell because of my same-gender attraction.

As a teenager, I was coerced into having sex with a grown man. This left me feeling even worse about myself, blaming myself for allowing this to happen. While I'd started to acknowledge my same-gender attraction, I would not do anything about it for fear of ridicule and possibly being raped again. Shortly after that, the AIDS epidemic hit. Now, not only was being gay equated with being an abomination, but it also meant death. This forced me further into the closet and into a string of short-lived heterosexual relationships, drug and alcohol abuse, and chronic suicidal thoughts. The trauma from being raped and all my unacknowledged fears of being gay would lead to the unfulfilling relationships I would have in my later years.

At one point, I decided that having attractions would only lead to more trauma, bullying, and maybe even AIDS. I became the emotionally unavailable person that I would later date. I also recall not having any positive role models for emotionally available relationships, as divorce is an epidemic in my family (at last count, at least nine). Add to the fact that when I was growing up, gay men had no positive role models. I recall Rip Taylor from The Hollywood Squares and Liberace as the only ones who seemed remotely gay, but they were never really "out." I thank Neil Patrick Harris, Matt Bomer, Ricky Martin, and so many other celebrities today for positively emulating what being a gay man can be like.

Everyone around me knew I was gay, but I refused to acknowledge it. While I did have sexual interactions with men, it was usually under the influence of drugs and alcohol. I justified my sexual encounters with men by saying that as long as I stayed sober, I wasn't gay and I wouldn't have sex with men. I told myself it was the drugs and alcohol that influenced me to have sex with men.

It was not until after my father's death and my attending Gay Days in Orlando, Florida, when I was 29 that I was able to acknowledge to myself that I was gay. I saw two very masculine men holding hands and kissing, and I realized being gay wasn't about being effeminate or dying of AIDS.

Now, this was not the end of my low self-acceptance. I had to deal with body image issues, coming out at a "late" age, and ageism in my newfound community. I thought for sure I could now have a relationship, but that did not happen. After a short-lived relationship in 2004, a six-month relationship in 2005, and a string of very short-term and often one-sided relationships, I was still in the same boat as before.

They may have been different genders, different shapes, different ethnicities, etc., but the people I dated never seemed to feel for me what I wanted them to. The way we show up to the world reflects back through our relationships and our experiences. I had become emotionally unavailable; therefore, I was with folks who were emotionally unavailable. This is why it is so important to be the person that you want to be with.

All of this led to the belief that I did not know how to do relationships. Since I had a total of three "official" relationships (one with a woman for eleven months and two with men for three and six months, respectively), I held on to the belief that I was not like other folks. I didn't do relationships. I even said so many times during my relationship with Fernando. He had been in several longer relationships. Because of my emotionally unavailable way of thinking, I had this undercurrent of inferiority around him because he was the "expert" in navigating the day-to-day stressors of an intimate relationship. Looking back, I think that it is funny that I viewed myself as inept to deal with an intimate relationship despite an eight-year dry spell before Fernando, as having a long string of relationships does not necessarily equate to being able to deal with intimate relationships.

After my relationship with Fernando, I had several sessions with my coach about what had gone "wrong" (my coach never said those words, mind you; I did). I heard myself tell him the same thing I would tell Fernando: "I don't know how to do relationships."

My coach said, "Well, let's take a look at all the relationships in your life today. You have amazing friends who show up for you in a strong way, as you show up for them. You have an amazing, thriving private practice that helps so many people lead spectacular lives. You do know how to do relationships."

He was right. I did know how to do relationships, despite what my fear-based ego mind was telling me. I was giving Fernando all my power, leaving me in a place of fear and emotional unavailability. Here is what I realized was important in being in a relationship:

I can love unconditionally.
I also had to learn about who I truly am. This was one of the biggest turning points in my development as a person, as well as getting okay with who I am. Who I am is NOT based on whom I have for a boyfriend. Who I am is NOT what I do for a living. Who I am is NOT how much money I make or have. Who I am is NOT how many guys with whom I have sex. Who I am is NOT all those luxurious places I have traveled to.

Who I am IS the person I am to others. Who I am IS the love in my heart for my people and myself. Who I am IS what I contribute for the betterment of the world. Who I am IS the level on which I show up in the world. Who I am IS how I step into my power, despite any perceived or objective adversities. This is who I truly am.

What I gained from holding onto the self-limiting thoughts was that I was not accepting responsibility for my role in my singlehood. I was trapped in a state of separateness and emotional unavailability from others. The reason for holding on to this was to escape responsibility for my own life. I don't know if it was repressed adolescence or what, but I would point the finger at someone else or blame God before taking charge of my own life. Even today, I can sometimes stay in the very familiar zone of inaction. This zone breeds a level of comfort because it is what I know. I don't particularly like the phrase "comfort zone," as it really is not. The familiarity breeds comfort, so "familiar zone" is a better phrase to use.

Another factor was the thought that I was pressed for time, because of coming out at a late age and being an older gay man. My age and/or the fact that I came out later in life has always played a factor in me being desperate to escape my singledom. But time is irrelevant. The Course says that a miracle abolishes time. How? Well, something to know about the Course is that it is based on certain premises:

1. Only love is real.

2. Miracles are a shift in perception from fear to love.

When I am in a place of "my time is running out," clearly I am in a place of fear. However, when I shift my perception to that of love (and create a miracle), the race against the clock is abolished and I am free to be me. Whenever I have feared the clock ticking, I have made very poor decisions. I rushed into things for the immediate gratification of stopping the clock. I either stayed in relationships past the expiration date or went for having something right now versus waiting for that amazing connection.

Also, when I approach dating and relationships with the fear that I am running out of time, I approach it with a sense of lack. Somehow I lack something in my life and I need to fill it now. This is why I had only attracted filler boyfriends and lovers. Getting totally okay with who I am is recognizing that I am not missing anything. I am whole and I am complete.

What a relationship will ultimately do is add to my life, not complete my life. I have always disliked hearing people introduce their significant others as, "This is my other half." If I perceive my partner as my other half, that implies that I perceive myself as only a half person. Try instead walking around affirming to yourself that you are whole and complete and see what shows up in your life.

Once I made it my full-time work to get totally okay with who I am, I started taking charge of what it was that I wanted for my life. That didn't always guarantee the results I wanted, but it did allow me a sense of freedom from fear and emotional unavailability, as well as anger, resentment, blame, and self-loathing. This is such a remarkable place in which to stand. I get a lot more done when I am in this empowerment. In my work with clients, I have seen this manifest in different ways.

CASE STUDY

Don, the Man Who Couldn't Come Out of the Closet & Myles, the Gay Man Who Didn't Want to be Stereotyped and "Had to Do More"

In 2013, I began working with a young man, Don, who was in his 30's and was having difficulties coming out. He had never had sex with anyone (male or female) and could not say the world "homosexual" without turning fifty shades of red. Don was so preoccupied with what others would think of him if they knew he was gay. He was in an industry that typically is not very gay-friendly.

One of the main things I had to do with Don was to start the process of getting him okay with who he was. I guided him through self-acceptance instead of "other-acceptance." We can have all the acceptance from others in the world; however, while we continue to reject ourselves, the acceptance of others does not amount to anything in our journey. While it is certainly nice to have the approval of those around us, it is not a necessary ingredient in getting totally okay with who we are.

Another one of my clients, Myles, also had difficulty accepting himself as a gay man. He felt that being gay meant that he had to give up loving sports and to adopt a love of all things Cher. One of the first steps was to get him to understand that by identifying as a gay man, all this meant was that he was acknowledging his same-gender attraction. Everything else was more of a choice (yes, I am of the belief that homosexuality is not a choice). Myles realized that whom he was attracted to did not define what he liked to do in his spare time. However, it was not the last step in getting him totally okay with who he is.

Myles would sit in session telling me there was "more" he had to do. He felt that he had to be more open, and tell more people that he was gay. I confronted Myles on how this could be a delaying tactic by his subconscious mind to prevent him from getting to self-acceptance. Since he'd spent so many years in the closet, this became his familiar zone and a more comfortable place for him to be than openly gay. It took many sessions for Myles to realize his lack of self-acceptance was what was causing his discomfort, not that he wasn't "out" enough.

To get these two clients to be okay with who they are, I needed to help them recognize that identifying as a homosexual only meant that they acknowledged their same-gender attraction. Also, I reminded Don and Myles that while it is nice to have the approval and acceptance of those around them, it is not the necessary ingredient to being totally okay with who they are. Everything else was up to them.

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Another concept from A Course in Miracles that helps me in this area is the notion that "The world of perception ... is the world of time, of change, of beginnings and endings. It is based on interpretation, not on facts." What this means is that my perception of things is not necessarily the reality of the situation. My perception of myself can be based on false interpretations and not necessarily facts.

I find that it is easier to focus on what is wrong with me than to cultivate what is right with me. Again, by focusing on what is wrong with me, I get the opportunity to refuse responsibility, stay in my familiar zone, and not have to change. Why? Change can be scary. We don't know what will be on the other side. However, in my journey to greater self-acceptance, I realized even if I didn't know what was on the other side, it had to feel better than what I was feeling before.

Projection is often perception, as the Course also says. If my perception of myself is one of negativity and lack, then that is what my perception will find. Let me elaborate on this some more. Similarly, in social psychology, "confirmation bias" is the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one's existing beliefs or theories. It means I will look at and create situations that will confirm my existing beliefs. When I shift these beliefs to something that is more in line with who I truly am, that is what I will find.

With regards to shifting my beliefs about myself, I teach my clients — and practice myself — creating new beliefs that are realistic. Anyone who knows me knows I have this passionate crush on Channing Tatum. Yes, I can shift my beliefs to say I can bag Mr. Tatum, but that is not very realistic. Not because I am not good looking enough, but because he's happily married to a woman. However, I can shift my beliefs to reflect something like, "I can attract a gorgeous man regardless of my age or my past." That is something that I can buy into.

So you may be wondering, "What can I do to get totally okay with who I am?" You have heard my journey of getting totally okay with who I am; now it's your turn.

Each chapter will end with exercises. Use your dedicated journal to write down your thoughts and experiences on each of these questions to make this journey as personal as possible.

MAKEOVER MOMENT:

1. What lifelong stories have you been living in?

2. How can you rewrite these scripts?

3. What would the people you love and trust say about what you have in common with your peers?

4. What do you have in common with these individuals?

5. How are you viewing yourself as separate and different from others?

6. How do you benefit from holding on to the thought that you are different and separate?

7. What would be available to you if you let go of the thought that you are different and separate?

8. How can you shift your maladaptive beliefs about yourself to more realistic and adaptive ones?

9. What would these new beliefs look like and what is possible to create once you buy into them?

Here are some meditative affirmations that you can use in your quiet time/meditation practice to assist you in getting totally okay with who you are. Feel free to change them to make them more personal.

"I am complete and lacking nothing."
Do you see how you can now get totally okay with who you are? It can take some work to undo the years of self-flagellating behaviors that conditioned us to feel unworthy. The work is simple, but may feel difficult at first because it is different than what you are used to. It requires vigilance, perseverance, and maybe some accountability partners to help you on this journey.

Getting totally okay with who you are is the first step of this process. Let's take explore our perceptions of relationships and Follow me as we explore "Stop Making Relationships Your Higher Power" in the next chapter ...

(Continues…)

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Excerpted from "#IsHeHereYet"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Tony Ortega, Psy.D..
Excerpted by permission of Ortega Psychology PLLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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