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R. A. Barnes
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Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel Murphy
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#AllUsers Kindle Edition

by R.A. Barnes (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.0 out of 5 stars 6 ratings
Wielder of special powers by night, solemniser of marriages and distributor of healthcare aids & appliances by day, Tarquin lives for the moment. From a position of power in the asylum he torments his opponents and bestows commodes on others. But a dark and evil force is out to upset Tarquin's applecart. Can he discover the culprit and avoid being named, shamed and imprisoned for embezzlement?

"#AllUsers is a satirical novella of earth-shattering literary inconsequence." Mrs Murphy
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  1. Print length
    100 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publication date
    December 16, 2013
  4. File size
    643 KB
  5. Page Flip
    Enabled
  6. Word Wise
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  7. Enhanced typesetting
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

R.A. Barnes is the author of Peril, Dodge, The Baptist, Koobi Fora, Allen's Mosquito, The New Author, #AllUsers and the Zombies v. Ninjas series.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B00GOZO164
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Marble City Publishing (December 16, 2013)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ December 16, 2013
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 643 KB
  • Simultaneous device usage ‏ : ‎ Unlimited
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Not Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 100 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.0 out of 5 stars 6 ratings

About the authors

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  1. R. A. Barnes

    R. A. Barnes

    Brief content visible, double tap to read full content.
    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    Browse my website at https://www.rubybarnesbooks.com

    I've pedalled the pushbike of life until the chain fell off. Now living in rural Ireland where the natives are friendly and the weather is atrocious, I write crime fiction and thrillers.

    My writing is dedicated to the memory of my late Scottish grandfather Robert 'Ruby' Aloysius Barnes.

    Contact me on ruby dot barnes at marblecitypublishing dot com

    My publisher's website is here: https://www.marblecitypublishing.com/

    See more on the author's page
  2. Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel Murphy

    Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel Murphy

    Brief content visible, double tap to read full content.
    Full content visible, double tap to read brief content.

    Discover more of the author’s books, see similar authors, read book recommendations and more.

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Customer reviews

4 out of 5 stars
6 global ratings

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Top reviews from the United States

  • Katherine
    4.0 out of 5 stars A highly entertaining, if at times unbelievable, tale
    Reviewed in the United States on January 11, 2014
    #AllUsers is a novella, only available as an e-book, written in diary entry style by the protagonist Tarquin Murphy. A quick bit of GoogleFu reveals the true author to be Ruby Barnes, who purportedly created the book after hearing someone say that anyone can write an e-book in an hour.

    #AllUsers is a highly entertaining, if at times unbelievable, tale about the trials and tribulations of Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F’tang-F’tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel Murphy (yes, really), a local council worker who splits his responsibilities between allocating healthcare aids and appliances, and solemnising (no, not sodomising) marriages. He has an obsession with sell-by dates and practical jokes, a vendetta against the head of HR, and forms an accidental bond with a psychiatrist through the shared act of pilfering cutlery from the staff cantine. When the figures for his aids and appliances orders are found not to add up, external auditors are called in to investigate, leading to consequences that ripple out through Tarquin’s work and social lives.

    The formulaic approach – almost every chapter following the exact same sequence of dream, breakfast, work day and evening prank – surprisingly does not start wearing on the reader. Indeed, the effect is the opposite, with the reader looking forward to seeing just what the next dream will be, or what Tarquin will come up with next in his battles against HR and the auditors. The author has a very good grasp of the everyday dramas and politics of office life, focussing on the battles that everyone will be familiar with; the right and proper way to hang the toilet roll, the most loved and most reviled parking spaces in the car park, the choice of biscuits available in the cantine.

    Where this novella falls down is that, at times, it goes just a step too far. All of Tarquin’s pranks involve sending a mass email around his place of work. Quite often, the target of his jokes is the person who has caused him most grief during the day. The fact that he goes undiscovered throughout the narrative, therefore, seems more than slightly dubious. His full name, as well – a reference to Monty Python – crosses the line from comic to ludicrous. But, then again, a comic book written on a dare is unlikely meant to be taken seriously.

    So if you enjoy comedy, and are able to suspend your disbelief in places, then give #AllUsers a read. Even if you’re pushed for time, it’s short enough that you can read it in a night or two, and it will have you giggling through work weeks to come.

    [...]
    One person found this helpful
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  • Tim Stevens
    4.0 out of 5 stars Obscene, corrupting, and dirtier than a mud-wrestler's gusset
    Reviewed in the United States on December 4, 2013
    Given what I am about to write, it might seem odd that I’ve awarded this book four stars, an excellent rating if ever there was one. But I shall explain why in due course.

    This is possibly the most reprehensible, irresponsible piece of writing I’ve ever perused. My reasons for maintaining this are manifold. I shall enunciate them henceforth.

    First: the “hero”, Mr Murphy, routinely eats foodstuffs for breakfast which are not only for the most part inherently unhealthy, but which are at or even past their government-mandated expiration dates! What kind of message does this send out to readers? That it’s “funny” to eat dangerous food? That such behaviour is somehow “edgy” or “daring”? Appalling!

    Next: the aforementioned Murphy accuses a “mental health consultant” - a psychiatrist, in other words, though his patience-challenging and lachrymal-duct-stimulating verbosity must needs have it otherwise - of being a cutlery thief. This is a recurring motif throughout the story, and is once again played for laughs. Such a slur on the venerable and esteemed profession of psychiatry cannot simply dismissed as the cheap shot some might judge it as, but should rather be seen for what it is, namely a sustained and spiteful attack on all that makes the British Isles such a sane place. Horrendous!

    Furthermore: an (admittedly suitably repellent) American character mishears the word “solemniser” as - I can’t bring myself to utter it, but you’ll know what I mean when I censor it thus: *********. There. Disgusting, is it not? That such filth can creep into the written language of a nation that produced such wholesome God-fearing bastions of literature as James Joyce, Oscar Wilde, and Martin McDonagh, is nothing short of repellent. Revolting!

    (I shan’t even begin to talk about the grossly irresponsible recommendations for toilet-roll hanging, because the author clearly doesn’t believe his own propaganda in this regard. It’s a so-called “wind-up”, and from the wrong side of the roll.)

    Why, then, the four stars? It’s because this book, inadvertently, does the world a service. It serves to warn us against the rising tide of filth and sordid brainwashing being spewed out by the pens of the likes of Mr Tarquin Murphy and his ilk. It places the enemy’s head above the literary parapet, as it were, and allows such good folk as remain on this earth to take well-aimed potshots at it/them with arrows fired from bows of decency.

    So thank you, Mr Tarquin Murphy. And may your dreams no longer trouble you.
    One person found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

  • Pam Howes
    5.0 out of 5 stars How Do You Hang Yours?
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 1, 2013
    Verified Purchase
    There's no one quite like Tarquin whatshisname! Toilet roll hanging has caused family rifts for decades, since the advent of Izal, that rough stuff they used in school loos in the fifties. Read this book and you'll find yourself swapping toilet rolls around in every loo you visit. Put this together with an obsession for out of date food and you have one serious weirdo on your hands. However, he's a weirdo you'll root for. There's something strangely fascinating about the man and his quirks and foibles. This is a laugh aloud story so be careful where you read it, preferably in private, maybe on the loo. Wherever you choose, it's fun and you'll enjoy.
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  • Tim Stevens
    4.0 out of 5 stars Obscene, corrupting, and dirty as a mudwrestler's gusset
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 4, 2013
    Verified Purchase
    Given what I am about to write, it might seem odd that I've awarded this book four stars, an excellent rating if ever there was one. But I shall explain why in due course.

    This is possibly the most reprehensible, irresponsible piece of writing I've ever perused. My reasons for maintaining this are manifold. I shall enunciate them henceforth.

    First: the "hero", Mr Murphy, routinely eats foodstuffs for breakfast which are not only for the most part inherently unhealthy, but which are at or even past their government-mandated expiration dates! What kind of message does this send out to readers? That it's "funny" to eat dangerous food? That such behaviour is somehow "edgy" or "daring"? Appalling!

    Next: the aforementioned Murphy accuses a "mental health consultant" - a psychiatrist, in other words, though his patience-challenging and lachrymal-duct-stimulating verbosity must needs have it otherwise - of being a cutlery thief. This is a recurring motif throughout the story, and is once again played for laughs. Such a slur on the venerable and esteemed profession of psychiatry cannot simply dismissed as the cheap shot some might judge it as, but should rather be seen for what it is, namely a sustained and spiteful attack on all that makes the British Isles such a sane place. Horrendous!

    Furthermore: an (admittedly suitably repellent) American character mishears the word "solemniser" as - I can't bring myself to utter it, but you'll know what I mean when I censor it thus: *********. There. Disgusting, is it not? That such filth can creep into the written language of a nation that produced such wholesome God-fearing bastions of literature as James Joyce, Oscar Wilde, and Martin McDonagh, is nothing short of repellent. Revolting!

    (I shan't even begin to talk about the grossly irresponsible recommendations for toilet-roll hanging, because the author clearly doesn't believe his own propaganda in this regard. It's a so-called "wind-up", and from the wrong side of the roll.)

    Why, then, the four stars? It's because this book, inadvertently, does the world a service. It serves to warn us against the rising tide of filth and sordid brainwashing being spewed out by the pens of the likes of Mr Tarquin Murphy and his ilk. It places the enemy's head above the literary parapet, as it were, and allows such good folk as remain on this earth to take well-aimed potshots at it/them with arrows fired from bows of decency.

    So thank you, Mr Tarquin Murphy. And may your dreams no longer trouble you.
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  • A Martin
    5.0 out of 5 stars Stress - it does your head in
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 27, 2013
    Verified Purchase
    Do you love satire? Are you able to laugh at the human condition? Then jump in - you are qualified to read #Allusers. I loved this book. Small enough to be swallowed whole, it messes with your head nicely. What is reality after all? To anyone who has worked in a deadend job where stress accumulates to a toxic level will understand this narrator and, above all, sympathise with his OCD desperation. There has been much debate about the orientation of the toilet rolls in the asylum. Myself, I identified with the cutlery thief. Rebellion has many faces. Recommended.
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