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The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy Paperback – June 21, 2022

by Lola Phoenix (Author)
4.5 out of 5 stars 180 ratings
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'Invaluable' RACHEL KRAMER BUSSEL
'Refreshingly honest, comprehensive and realistic' MEG-JOHN BARKER

Embarking on a non-monogamous relationship can be a daunting experience, opening old wounds that cause anxiety, fear and confusion, something Lola Phoenix knows about all too well.

In this all-you-need-to-know guide to exploring non-monogamy, polyamory and open relationships, Lola draws upon their years of experience in giving advice and being non-monogamous to provide guidance for every stage of your journey, helping you to prioritise your mental health and well being along the way.

Beginning with advice on starting out - such as finding your anchor, figuring out your personal reasons for pursuing non-monogamy, challenging your fears and practicing self-compassion - the book proceeds to cover the emotional aspects of non-monogamous relationships, including dealing with jealousy and judgement, managing anxiety and maintaining independence, as well as practical elements such as scheduling your time, negotiating boundaries and managing your expectations, all accompanied with activities for further exploration.
Whether you are new to non-monogamy, or have been non-monogamous for years, this insightful and empowering book will provide you with the emotional tools you will need to live a happy non-monogamous life.

Read more
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  1. Print length
    208 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publication date
    June 21, 2022
  4. Dimensions
    5.43 x 0.52 x 8.5 inches
  5. ISBN-10
    1839972130
  6. ISBN-13
    978-1839972133
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Editorial Reviews

Review

Lola Phoenix has written a book about nonmonogamy that feels like an old friend - both reassuring and gently challenging. The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy is a must read that encourages one to consider power dynamics as well as personal care in a way that is mindful of trauma while also encouraging growth. If I had read this in my twenties I would have potentially avoided years of grief and self blame. A gem.--Kitty Stryker, editor of Ask: Building Consent Culture

The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy is a refreshingly inclusive and trauma-informed guide to polyamory. The advice is practical, honest, and engaging. Lola addresses common issues in polyamory with their unique perspective, accurate analogies, and well-rounded thought exercises. Overall, this book is an excellent addition to the body of polyamorous literature and will serve as a useful guide for both new and seasoned non-monogamists.--Leanne Yau, non-monogamy educator and advocate

Lola Phoenix uses their longtime expertise in the field of non-monogamy to guide those at all levels through common questions, issues and feelings. This wide-ranging, welcoming and inclusive guide is perfect for anyone thinking about stepping outside of monogamy, and invites readers to fully explore their own relationships, desires and mental health on an ongoing basis. Phoenix offers practical tips around anxiety that readers will find invaluable.--Rachel Kramer Bussel, author, Sex & Cupcakes: A Juicy Collection of Essays, and editor, The Big Book of Orgasms

Lola Phoenix guides those living in or curious about ethical non-monogamy in their signature no-bullshit, practical guide to polyamory. A refreshing perspective that incorporates self-reflection, personal growth with partners and an emphasis on mental health - healthy caveats when it comes to navigating all relationships, whether polyamorous or not.--Jenny Yuen, author of Polyamorous: Living and Loving More

A refreshingly honest, comprehensive and realistic guide to navigating non-monogamous relationships of all kinds. Packed with nuance, helpful advice, and self-reflections, this is a gem for new and experienced folk alike, especially those of us living at the intersections of disability, oppression and/or trauma.--Meg-John Barker, author of How to Understand Your Sexuality

Book Description

A practical, inclusive guide to exploring and practicing non-monogamy based on a popular weekly column and podcast.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Jessica Kingsley Publishers (June 21, 2022)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 208 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1839972130
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1839972133
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 8.3 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.43 x 0.52 x 8.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 out of 5 stars 180 ratings

About the author

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Lola Phoenix

Lola Phoenix

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Lola Phoenix is an American born writer living in Stockholm, working within digital marketing while trying to find an agent to represent their fiction work. Lola is the author of The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy with Jessica Kingsley Publishers and The Non-Monogamy Journal as well as a weekly advice column and podcast called Non-Monogamy Help. You can also find a small novella Lola has published under the name Alastor L Phoenix on Amazon called Checkmate.

Lola is also an amateur Strongman athlete and has a special interest in fitness and nutrition. When not writing books, Lola is either at the gym, talking walks in nature, or baking new treats.

You can find Lola via the Non-Monogamy Help website and on most social networks under the username NonMonogamyHelp on the clock app NonMonoHelp.

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
180 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book helpful, with one mentioning its useful workbook sections and another noting its focus on mental health. The readability receives mixed feedback, with some finding it easy to read while others report it being poorly written and edited.

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6 customers mention "Helpfulness"6 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful, with one mentioning it provides useful workbook sections and another noting its focus on mental health.

"Well written and workbook sections were useful and gave us a lot to think about!" Read more

"...it’s more than JUST a relationship book it also has a pointed focus on mental health and how it ties into your relationships...." Read more

"...An easy read that is relatable and helpful." Read more

"Really good for people with anxiety and fear of abandonment/being replaced. Made me feel understood. I definitely recommend this book." Read more

8 customers mention "Readability"5 positive3 negative

Customers have mixed opinions about the book's readability, with some finding it easy to read while others report it being hard to understand.

"Well written and workbook sections were useful and gave us a lot to think about!" Read more

"...The bad: - The writing style is difficult to parse. -..." Read more

"This book is super inclusive and is a really validating text that I would recommend to anyone who is poly and has anxiety!" Read more

"...An easy read that is relatable and helpful." Read more

Top reviews from the United States

  • Cody Joseph Painter
    5.0 out of 5 stars SUPER helpful
    Reviewed in the United States on April 1, 2025
    Verified Purchase
    As someone with frequent anxiety, and an anxious attachment style, I've struggled with some of the nuances of polyamory. This book really helped me with perspective & framing to move forward in my relationship in a positive way, building trust and security. Especially helpful: the concept of "an anchor" & the definition of jealousy.
    One person found this helpful
    Helpful
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  • Liz L.
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great Resource
    Reviewed in the United States on November 10, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    Well written and workbook sections were useful and gave us a lot to think about!
    2 people found this helpful
    Helpful
     Report
  • Amelia Mandell
    5.0 out of 5 stars Easy to read and super clear and thoughtful
    Reviewed in the United States on September 10, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    This book is genuinely exactly as titled- it’s more than JUST a relationship book it also has a pointed focus on mental health and how it ties into your relationships. This is going to be my go to recommended book for ppl with questions about non-monogamy.
    6 people found this helpful
    Helpful
     Report
  • MESY
    4.0 out of 5 stars Anxious To Complete
    Reviewed in the United States on January 18, 2024
    This is a guide book by a nonbinary neurodivergent asexual who practices ethical polyam. It provides helpful yips to look into different relational aspects of dividing time, metamours, and other things to consider when getting into polyam. There is even workbook questions to answer to think of practical things. It is a good idea to know a little bit about polyam before reading this book as it's not a beginner guide into it more of a guide of how to work on relationships.
    8 people found this helpful
    Helpful
     Report
  • Samuel McCannon
    5.0 out of 5 stars A must read!
    Reviewed in the United States on December 14, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    This book is super inclusive and is a really validating text that I would recommend to anyone who is poly and has anxiety!
    5 people found this helpful
    Helpful
     Report
  • L-K
    3.0 out of 5 stars Hard to understand; but offers some insights
    Reviewed in the United States on August 1, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    The good:

    - The worksheets can help you discover how you feel about various polyamory related practices and put those feelings into words.
    - The disabled/mental illness/trauma-related content is nice to see. I particularly found the discussion of how these relate to self-doubt in polyamory helpful.

    The bad:

    - The writing style is difficult to parse.
    - Terms (such as "relationship anarchy") are used without being clearly defined for much of the book.
    - The objections the author has to certain attitudes and practices within the polyamory community took up too much of the book. In addition to being repetitive, this content was simply irrelevant to me.

    Overall, I'd recommend checking out other books on the subject unless you are specifically looking for the experience of someone who has experienced abuse, mental illness, and disability.
    11 people found this helpful
    Helpful
     Report
  • emilee guerrera
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great read for newbie into non monogamy
    Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    Dipping my toes in non monogamous relationships and came across this title. I'm not even finished and already feel more well equipped than before. An easy read that is relatable and helpful.
    7 people found this helpful
    Helpful
     Report
  • Rosa
    5.0 out of 5 stars loved it
    Reviewed in the United States on September 25, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    Really good for people with anxiety and fear of abandonment/being replaced. Made me feel understood. I definitely recommend this book.
    5 people found this helpful
    Helpful
     Report

Top reviews from other countries

  • clunch
    5.0 out of 5 stars A revelation in CNM literature
    Reviewed in Germany on December 28, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    A huge help for people who didn't quite feel comfortable in mono or poly realms, were sceptical of the "poly preaching" typically found in poly literature, and who feel there can't just be an extreme binary perspective. The reflections on relationship anarchy as a way to describe scepticism of labels and to highlight fluidity of relationship structures and people's needs are extremely insightful. This book empowers the reader to reflect on what positive and nourishing relationships are without attaching value or shame. Reading this made me feel seen! Thank you
    Report
  • Amazon Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great insight into polyamory
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 18, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    Really enjoyed this book, polyamory is something I've become interested in. This book helped me to see what a potential relationship would be like and the different options there are
    Report
  • A Customer
    3.0 out of 5 stars Useful for some people
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 17, 2023
    Verified Purchase
    This book will be very useful so some people, but in my case I found the author's anxiety spill over to me when reading the book, therefore increasing my own anxiety rather than reducing it (which I took to be the purpose of the book). While some will find this book helpful, I preferred the more academic "Polysecure" (by J. Fern) instead.
    Report
  • Sarah E.
    3.0 out of 5 stars Good read, but I got bored with lack of depth in areas and closed viewpoints
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 28, 2022
    Verified Purchase
    I did enjoy this book and some of the insights but after a while I was just reading it to finish, I felt like I was already reading common knowledge that I knew about. I think this would be good for the absolute novice, but perhaps not for someone who has researched a lot already. There were some viewpoints I felt were a little biased and depending on the type of person experiencing, would be more subjective. The very first part of the book I thought was great and was great to explain anxiety and how it is a normal emotion but then I felt there was a lot of repetition after it going over similar points. I’d like to learn a bit more about polyamory in greater depths. The exercises in the book I found hard to follow.
    Report