Welp. This is gonna be another long review... so grab yourself some wine, popcorn, chocolate, whatever, because I'm about to fangirl all over this book.
This is one of the best books I've ever read and it's, hands down, my absolute favorite Jay McLean novel! I'm a mess right now, honestly I don't even know what the heck my emotions are doing. Jay's stories are never easy to read. They're filled with heartbreak, defeat, anger, grief... just so much, I don't think that I've ever read an author who can bring out emotions the way this writer can. One line from this book sums up my experience with her novels perfectly:
"There's an ache in my chest, not from the beating of my heart, but from the breaking. Still, for some reason, I want more of whatever is causing the pain."
I liken the feeling to the Hulk (Jay McLean's words) smashing Loki (my heart) in the Avengers movie. And yet I'll always come back for more. Because with all of that comes an overwhelming amount of love. This isn't an easy, light read. I don't know why I waited so long, or what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. It had everything I love in a romance: an awkward, slightly shy boy, an extremely messed up girl, an adorable kid, sweet romance, and problems that don't magically disappear with a kiss. This was perfect in every way possible.
The prologue begins with Josh, an expecting father who gets abandoned by his parents once they learn Natalie (his sorta girlfriend?) is pregnant, yet he holds his head up high as he leaves his parents house after telling them the news and them kicking him out. But even with the chaos of his new life, having a child, being without parents himself, and giving up his dream of skating, all at sixteen years old, he never regrets Tommy. Even when Natalie and her parents abandon him as well. He feels utterly alone, defeated, and still, not once does he resent his son. He's an amazing father, willing to do whatever it takes and make any sacrifices he has to.
"There are some sacrifices greater than love. And some loves greater than any sacrifice. Tommy's greater than both."
He treats everything in a very simple matter, everything he does is in an effort to give his son the best life he can.
But no matter how much he loves Tommy, he wants a partner, even if he hadn't always realized it. Not until Becca. He's immediately intrigued, you could almost call it insta-love, but it's not. Some relationships start quickly and burn brightly, and that's exactly what their relationship is. I loved his pursuit of her: using his son to spend time with him, paying Tommy money to find out what she said about him, teaching her how to skate... all of it. But it's not just about how she makes him feel, it's also about making her happy, too.
"I kind of want to share something with you, you know? And maybe next weekend we can do something with your photography?"
I don't know why, but this was so significant for me, the fact that he wanted to immerse her in his world and vice versa. It wasn't just a one-way street. He didn't want one passion to overshadow the other, he wanted to combine their lives equally.
And none of his compliments are "lines," they're all so uniquely Josh. He isn't saying what he says because he wants to be with her, he's saying it just like it's the truth.
"No one's ever said I was beautiful before." - Becca
"Clearly, you're surrounding yourself with either the blind, the stupid, or the pathetic." - Josh
He tells her she's beautiful and special like they're facts.
And Becca, who has had a difficult life, eats up his affection and love.
"Do you have a safe place, Becca?"
"Yes," I whisper. And I hesitate, just for a moment, from telling him the truth. "You."
And for a short while things are perfect, but things that start fast and bright rarely last, as Josh and Becca quickly learn. Because Becca was never meant to stay with him, her plans had always included moving on. And while Josh has been so busy keeping his head up, moving forward, and trying to ignore the sting of all those who've abandoned him: his parents, Tommy's mother, her parents, and even his friend, Hunter, as he began living his own life, he's never dealt with the pain of it all. Of losing his family, his love of skating, his support. And now he must face losing her.
I was confused as to where Josh's rage came from when he fell apart, because he was never an angry person. But I quickly realized that he'd just buried it and became numb to it. And I loved the way Jay wrote it. In the prologue and after thinking Becca was going to leave him, she writes everything methodically, there's no emotion. There's the want for emotion, but none of it is actually there. It's all stated in facts.
My heart broke as he finally snapped, throwing hurtful words at everyone he loves. You'll be angry at Josh, because he does say truly horrible things. But I understood. And I think everyone can see how dangerous it was for him to continue to bottle everything up, because all that's left is pent up frustration. I think he thought that if he ever let himself feel the anger, sadness, loneliness, it would somehow mean he regretted/resented Tommy. But that's just life. All those emotions are a part of it and feeling them doesn't have anything to do with his son. And one of my absolute favorite quotes from this book explains why:
"Our raw imperfections make us real and make us human but they don't make us."
GAH! How does she write so freaking perfectly?! I'm green with envy.
Even though this had both perspectives, it felt like Josh's book. We don't learn much about Becca's past until near the end, and I'm thinking her healing will come out more in the next book, Coast. I know I've said a lot, but I haven't even touched on all the things that happen in this book, and just when I thought I'd read the worst of it, with each new piece of information, my heart cracked more.
It was a difficult read at times, but it was real and raw and so good. It seemed as though they were two people who just met at the wrong time, but I don't believe that. I think they needed to met, to hurt, and to break, in order to finally get better. Josh needed to learn that hurt doesn't take away love, and Becca needed to learn that love doesn't take away hurt. Those feelings are both always there, always possibilities. It's not one or the other.
And even though Josh said hurtful things (echoing pains from her past that he was unaware of) and it resulted in a downward spiral for Becca, I never doubted his love. He always talks about Becca like she is the only one for him and he doesn't want anyone else.
Between the two of them, there is quite a bit going on. The drama is intense and may feel OTT to some, but I loved it. It all weaved together perfectly for me, and despite the feeling of "how can all this happen to one person?" it never felt forced or too much. You just have to be prepared to read something real and heartbreaking and intense.
I don't know how everyone else waited almost a year for the sequel... honestly, I'm dying just from having to stop and write this review. But I don't have to wait! AHAHA! I'm diving in right the heck now ;))
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About the author
So Amazing. Read it.
So, when I first saw this book I was intrigued by the young single dad thing and I shelved it and thought of it on occasion but made no real move to pick it up. Eventually I got the book and I was under the assumption that it would be a bit sad and a bit of a struggle, I mean, he's a single dad after all, there's bound to be some struggles; but I thought he'd meet a nice girl they'd all get along swell with his kid, maybe she'd have a bit of a crisis about being a mother figure so young but they'd be happy end of story. Simple. Easy. Sweet. Oh boy, was I wrong. The first chapter is a nice swift dagger to the heart. Just instant pain. Then, the author swiftly built my hopes up and I was grinning like a fool at my iPhone, but I could feel that uncertainty niggling at the back of my mind because the hope was building so quickly and so high, I was afraid for when it would come crashing down around me and Josh, Becca, and Tommy. Where you forget all about that initial pain, so much so you hardly know what pain is anymore and then you hit this point in the story and you look down to realize the authors been slowly stabbing you 1000 other times you were just too distracted to realize it and now you can't do anything about it. My description probably sounds a bit unpleasant and I don't mean it that way. It was brilliant. My stabbing was so beautifully executed there's no way I could be even a little bit angry about it. This book packed so much emotion, so much heartache into it, I was floored. I had to seek out a buddy part way through my reading because I NEEDED to talk about it (s/o to my girl Loyda!). It was an amazing read. This is long and rambley and maybe a bit confusing but I just had so many feels after this book. It was so good and I'm ashamed that I ever thought it would be a sweet, easy, mediocre book. It's so much more. I'm not really big on suggesting books, it causes me anxiety unless I'm SUPER familiar with all your literary likes/dislikes but I'm gunna suggest this one. Blanket suggestion. Go for it. It's awesome.
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